This post is Part 2 from the previous post. Might want to read that one first....
This past year, I have been "preaching" to my 12th grade girls about discovering your underlying heart condition and then repenting of that.
For example, if you find that you are gossiping about someone. Instead of only repenting for the "surface sin" of gossip, ask yourself, "What is the underlying heart condition here? Why am I gossiping about this person? What does this reveal about me?"
As with most truths of the Bible, it is easier to teach and harder to follow yourself. I find myself in a place where I am "not taking my own advice". In my head I know that I am believing lies and not acting in line with the gospel, but I struggle....allow me to explain:
Lately, I find myself anxious and worried. I am anxious because we only have "x" amount of time to get all the needed paperwork together to return to PNG. I am anxious because little Mel didn't come early or even on my due date. In my mind, I worry about what will happen if I cannot make my flight on December 20th to Sydney.
In addition to all of that, I am worried about an induction. (If you are reading this and want to tell me why I shouldn't get an induction, please don't go there with me.....just hear me out or stop reading now.) Here is my situation: If I were to go into labor on my own, then something were to happen that endangered me or the baby and the doctor recommended an induction which then led to forceps, vacuum or even a C-Section, I would be OK with that. It would still be hard, but it would not be the end of the world. I trust this doctor (even though I have only known him for a month) and I would listen to him and do what he suggests. End of story.
But, I am struggling because I feel like I kind of had a choice about the induction date. The doctor said he is happy to induce, but of course he had to tell me about the risks. Now, if this whole experience ends in a C-Section, it is going to be harder for me to live with. I will feel a little like I "played God" and made a decision based on timing and money instead of well-being. Do you see the difference? I am not worried about a C-Section, I just feel like I have too much of a say this time around. (Again, I am sharing some pretty "to the core stuff" here and would really appreciate comments to NOT be made if you are trying to convince me against induction. That will not help me at all now.)
So, I have been dealing with these thoughts for the past two weeks. They have surfaced in different ways and at different times and intensities. But, this has been the line of thought that I have struggled the most with to date. Even in the midst of these thoughts, both Caleb and I have felt like little Mel will come on her own before the induction anyway. I have felt that but not believed that.
So, if I apply what I have been "preaching" to my girls, how would that look?
I would need to ask myself, "What is my underlying heart condition? What do these thoughts/actions reveal about my faith and my belief?"
Clearly, I am not trusting that God is in complete and absolute control of any and all circumstances surrounding my life. I say I believe, but my actions and thoughts are not in line with this talk. I have a plan....I have all the scenarios and contingency plans in my head....and they all involved this, this and that.
So, this morning, I took time to reflect on all the ways God has reminded me that the birth of this little girl has been HIS idea and HIS doing, not my own. I thought about how obvious it was to me back in April that this little girl was His gift and His fulfillment of the desire of my heart. The day I found out I was pregnant, I also found out that we were receiving a tax refund that would seriously help to pay for this trip to Cairns. Also, along the way, without our asking, people have supported us financially. Also, all the details fell into place. We have a free place to live for half the time here, a free car to use and so many other smaller (yet equal "thanks, God") moments. I remember when our house sold, our support got back to 100% and we found out about the pregnancy.....I blogged about how I hoped that all of this would be enough to "carry me through" the entire pregnancy and rest of life. That, when I found myself in places of doubt and worried beyond belief, I prayed that these reminders would help somehow.....and that I wouldn't just forget this promise and this assurance that was so real back then.
It was so REAL and so OBVIOUS then. But, now, I find myself struggling with the same fear and the same unbelief. So, I repent. I repent of my arrogance in thinking that I have anything to do with the outcome of this birth. All I can do is go forward with what I believe is the right thing to do. The "what ifs" of tomorrow cannot suffocate me today. If I claim to be a Christian, then I claim to be a sinner. I claim to have struggles with this. It is inevitable, to some extent. But, if I claim to be a Christian, I have a hope that others do not have. I have peace that cannot be fathomed at my disposal.
Of course, I still have no idea what will happen next. But, I do know that God is in control and that is all that matters. Who's to say that all my plans could be fouled up, but in the end, everything works out which in turn brings even more glory to God. I want my life to be about bringing glory to God. His glory and not my own is the key. So, I repent of this fear. I repent of the idols in my life of control. I do not want to live my life always protecting myself and my own reputation. I do not want my life to be about me, anyway.
So, why admit this? Why blog about this? I.have.no.idea.
It is an honest post....a vulnerable post....a "and she calls herself a missionary?" post. But, maybe you can relate. Maybe you find things in your thoughts that you know shouldn't be there but are anyway. These thoughts consume you. These thoughts kind of identify who you are so you struggle to make sure others do NOT see those thoughts.....at all costs. Well, I would encourage to think about those thoughts. Think about what those thoughts say about you. And, if you are Christian, what do they reveal about your belief or lack of belief?
If you aren't a Christian, how can you live with those thoughts? It must be such a heavy, heavy load for you to bear. And, I just want to tell you that you don't have to bear those thoughts, worries and anxieties alone. The weight can be lifted....through the Holy Spirit and with help from others....others like "the church". (Keeping in mind that "the church" is very different from "religion".)
So, here's to as long as I can go without those thoughts and anxieties and worries. I am repenting of the need to be in control and the need to be right and the need to know what the future holds.....I repent of these now at 5:16pm and may need to repent of them again at 5:17pm. But, at least I recognize my need for help....and I am praying for that help to come via the Holy Spirit.....
For example, if you find that you are gossiping about someone. Instead of only repenting for the "surface sin" of gossip, ask yourself, "What is the underlying heart condition here? Why am I gossiping about this person? What does this reveal about me?"
As with most truths of the Bible, it is easier to teach and harder to follow yourself. I find myself in a place where I am "not taking my own advice". In my head I know that I am believing lies and not acting in line with the gospel, but I struggle....allow me to explain:
Lately, I find myself anxious and worried. I am anxious because we only have "x" amount of time to get all the needed paperwork together to return to PNG. I am anxious because little Mel didn't come early or even on my due date. In my mind, I worry about what will happen if I cannot make my flight on December 20th to Sydney.
In addition to all of that, I am worried about an induction. (If you are reading this and want to tell me why I shouldn't get an induction, please don't go there with me.....just hear me out or stop reading now.) Here is my situation: If I were to go into labor on my own, then something were to happen that endangered me or the baby and the doctor recommended an induction which then led to forceps, vacuum or even a C-Section, I would be OK with that. It would still be hard, but it would not be the end of the world. I trust this doctor (even though I have only known him for a month) and I would listen to him and do what he suggests. End of story.
But, I am struggling because I feel like I kind of had a choice about the induction date. The doctor said he is happy to induce, but of course he had to tell me about the risks. Now, if this whole experience ends in a C-Section, it is going to be harder for me to live with. I will feel a little like I "played God" and made a decision based on timing and money instead of well-being. Do you see the difference? I am not worried about a C-Section, I just feel like I have too much of a say this time around. (Again, I am sharing some pretty "to the core stuff" here and would really appreciate comments to NOT be made if you are trying to convince me against induction. That will not help me at all now.)
So, I have been dealing with these thoughts for the past two weeks. They have surfaced in different ways and at different times and intensities. But, this has been the line of thought that I have struggled the most with to date. Even in the midst of these thoughts, both Caleb and I have felt like little Mel will come on her own before the induction anyway. I have felt that but not believed that.
So, if I apply what I have been "preaching" to my girls, how would that look?
I would need to ask myself, "What is my underlying heart condition? What do these thoughts/actions reveal about my faith and my belief?"
Clearly, I am not trusting that God is in complete and absolute control of any and all circumstances surrounding my life. I say I believe, but my actions and thoughts are not in line with this talk. I have a plan....I have all the scenarios and contingency plans in my head....and they all involved this, this and that.
So, this morning, I took time to reflect on all the ways God has reminded me that the birth of this little girl has been HIS idea and HIS doing, not my own. I thought about how obvious it was to me back in April that this little girl was His gift and His fulfillment of the desire of my heart. The day I found out I was pregnant, I also found out that we were receiving a tax refund that would seriously help to pay for this trip to Cairns. Also, along the way, without our asking, people have supported us financially. Also, all the details fell into place. We have a free place to live for half the time here, a free car to use and so many other smaller (yet equal "thanks, God") moments. I remember when our house sold, our support got back to 100% and we found out about the pregnancy.....I blogged about how I hoped that all of this would be enough to "carry me through" the entire pregnancy and rest of life. That, when I found myself in places of doubt and worried beyond belief, I prayed that these reminders would help somehow.....and that I wouldn't just forget this promise and this assurance that was so real back then.
It was so REAL and so OBVIOUS then. But, now, I find myself struggling with the same fear and the same unbelief. So, I repent. I repent of my arrogance in thinking that I have anything to do with the outcome of this birth. All I can do is go forward with what I believe is the right thing to do. The "what ifs" of tomorrow cannot suffocate me today. If I claim to be a Christian, then I claim to be a sinner. I claim to have struggles with this. It is inevitable, to some extent. But, if I claim to be a Christian, I have a hope that others do not have. I have peace that cannot be fathomed at my disposal.
Of course, I still have no idea what will happen next. But, I do know that God is in control and that is all that matters. Who's to say that all my plans could be fouled up, but in the end, everything works out which in turn brings even more glory to God. I want my life to be about bringing glory to God. His glory and not my own is the key. So, I repent of this fear. I repent of the idols in my life of control. I do not want to live my life always protecting myself and my own reputation. I do not want my life to be about me, anyway.
So, why admit this? Why blog about this? I.have.no.idea.
It is an honest post....a vulnerable post....a "and she calls herself a missionary?" post. But, maybe you can relate. Maybe you find things in your thoughts that you know shouldn't be there but are anyway. These thoughts consume you. These thoughts kind of identify who you are so you struggle to make sure others do NOT see those thoughts.....at all costs. Well, I would encourage to think about those thoughts. Think about what those thoughts say about you. And, if you are Christian, what do they reveal about your belief or lack of belief?
If you aren't a Christian, how can you live with those thoughts? It must be such a heavy, heavy load for you to bear. And, I just want to tell you that you don't have to bear those thoughts, worries and anxieties alone. The weight can be lifted....through the Holy Spirit and with help from others....others like "the church". (Keeping in mind that "the church" is very different from "religion".)
So, here's to as long as I can go without those thoughts and anxieties and worries. I am repenting of the need to be in control and the need to be right and the need to know what the future holds.....I repent of these now at 5:16pm and may need to repent of them again at 5:17pm. But, at least I recognize my need for help....and I am praying for that help to come via the Holy Spirit.....
5 comments:
I think you're an amazing, vulnerable, honest, transparent missionary. Who is real. And awesome! And I was induced with Henry because my doctor was on call those next two days. Completely arbitrary - and the way my body worked was a) didn't respond and b) wouldn't dilate and c) Henry and I were both huge and d) I had a c-section, and that was that. And look at Henry now! Totally a blessing. :)
Thanks for sharing your heart, and I love how you reflected on all that God has done - that's what we're all called to do! Reflect on God's faithfulness. Baby Mel, come soon! can't wait to see your cute face.
Awwww....thanks, friend! You always know the right things to say. :) I miss you so much!!!
BTW- I miss our "scrapbooking" nights/talks....hehe
Thanks for sharing your heart & where you are right now! I understand the do really wanting an induction/c-section. Because of circumstances with Taylor, I was induced with Brayden. Like Kerry, I didn't respond & ended up with a c-section (which then required a c-section with Lilly...more due to my own medical risks than "normal" people). In both pregnancies, I REALLY wanted to go into labor on my own & see what would happen. I have never had that experience & it is something that I really wish I had!
Can't wait to see Little Melanie's sweet face! Praying that all goes well with the labor/delivery whenever & however God sees fit! Love you guys!
Thanks for your comment, Jennifer. I wish we lived closer. :) I miss all you Bible Study friends so much!
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