Discouragement in Paradise

Caleb here. Another rare post, so pay attention!

I think big. It’s the way I’m designed I guess. The problem with dreaming big is that people regularly try to talk you down from the precipice of visionary thinking. They point out so many negatives to your progressive idea, the one that you know will fix the current problem, that even you begin to doubt the seed of truth from which your idea grew. And so, with your courage checked and your imagination soundly whipped, you find yourself returning from the excitement of possibility to a world full of terrifyingly dull procedures and normalcy. What I want is movement, action, a sense of accomplishment and purpose, and a willing tapestry to paint my vision!

Today I received an email about an attempted break in that occurred at Ukarumpa. The source of my discouragement over this latest incident is tied to the fact that I am here, not there, and yet I am still responsible in some major part because there is no-one to take my place. There is so much that needs to be done in PNG with our organization, and yet there are so few people. There are urgent needs for managers, for mechanics, for pilots, for IT personnel of all sorts, for teachers, for carpenters, and many others. At the top of the priority list for my organization in PNG, is the need for another full-time security manager.

As Adrienne and I look toward the end of our time in PNG, I am becoming very discouraged by the lack of progress. Granted, my chosen profession has never been a particularly encouraging one, but at least as a cop I felt like I was doing something. The problem is that I have been in the role of Security Manager for 2 years now, and nothing has changed operationally. For the first year it was chaos, with incidents occurring nightly and sometimes several times a night. I was working 60 hour weeks, both night and day and headed for burnout at high speed. I came to PNG with a vision; a goal to see the Organization on a more secure footing before I left. That first year, I did nothing but put out fires and try to keep my head together.

For the second year, things were really looking up. The Easter conversions of the raskols of Ukarumpa Village gave us an 8 month break in the action. Time enough for me to sit back and do an assessment of our situation as an organization. That time allowed me to regain the vision of why I came in the first place. And so, for the last 4 months or so, I’ve been working on a plan that would address our security situation and make the improvement to operations that are already 15 years out of date.

So what am I to do?
1. I can see the way forward, but I’m not there to implement it right now. More than that, our window of peace and stability seems to be closing with 5 incidents in the last month.
2.Even if I can get the ball rolling on a project of this scale, we won’t be around to see it through. The organization will need a project manager to make it happen.
3.There is no-one who wants my job. It’s not even a matter of skill-set. Anyone with a modicum of leadership ability could do my job, it’s just that people do not equate security with the world of missions.
4.Supposing nothing changes and no-one comes. Can I still leave in good faith? Or does that constitute a failure of mission?
5.Then throw in the always grey area of understanding God’s Will and all I’m left with is doubts and discouragement.

Paradise has become less so in the course of reading one email. I know this: My vision stands up in front of me like a totem. It is the way forward, but will the organization have the corporate courage necessary to take some positive action? Will the money be available? Will the personnel be available?
Adrienne and I have no doubt that we were called to PNG for such a time as this. Everything we have touched has benefitted from our presence there. I’m not saying that from a place of hubris, but rather as a proud testament to how God has confirmed our presence in his plan. Our real problem is this: Do we continue? And if we continue, are we doing it because we are feeling too guilty to leave? The need is so great, and the work so incomplete!

Here now, as I type, alone in the darkness (everyone else is asleep), I see the glow of hope. But is the glow from the sunrise or the sunset? Which way do I point the ship?