I think the subject of this post sums up where I am mentally (and on this blog). Almost 6 months have gone by since leaving the US. I know that I am here…at this moment…but at times, I feel like I am still there. Feel free to stop reading if you don’t want to be confused. I am not sure how much sense this post will make.
In 6 short months, all of our financial support came in, our visas arrived (at the last minute), we attended 14 weeks of training (pretty “survivor” like) and now we are transitioning away from all of that and trying to establish some bit of “normalcy”. I am not saying that I wish to be home (maybe it sounded like that in my previous post). What I am saying is that I feel “rushed”. I feel like I am here…and there is so much to do going forward….but I want to go back a bit. I want to think through some of the experiences we have had….and I am not sure I will really be able to move forward until I do that.
When we decided to become missionaries (which if you know the back story….we NEVER thought we would do this…God has a sense of humor), we knew that there were risks. We knew that by entering the mission field, our lives and the lives of our children (friends and family included) would never be the same. One example, by introducing this lifestyle to Ben, we are risking that he, too, might one day live far away from us (his family included) if he were to become a missionary. Who thinks these things through completely? Certainly not me….but I knew there were risks. Initially, you think that you are making decisions about YOUR life “tasol” (tok pisin- “only or that’s all”). But, there is a ripple effect.
At our age, we were able to pick up and “go”. We saw the need in PNG (and it really is a BIG need) and we knew that we had the skills to meet them. But, also at our age, all of our friends are going through incredible changes in their lives. Friends are getting engaged, having babies, moving, becoming missionaries, having babies, going through marriage trouble, having babies, graduating from seminary or graduate schools, getting really nice jobs, being promoted, having babies, having other stresses and worries due to being on this side of heaven. Our families….I have young brothers….who will be graduating from high school (or already have), are going to college, family that is sick, family you wish you spent more time with, family that is stressed beyond belief, family that could really use their family to be close by, etc, etc. Now…these things change people. Having had a baby myself (and having gone through some of these other big changes), I know that you come out different. And, I am realizing the risks of being overseas.
Caleb and I both LOVE people….we love our friendships and our relationships. We try to make them a priority…so it stings when we are not there. It hurts when in our heart of hearts we are happy for our friends….yet we can’t show them….we can’t show up.
I have a confession to make. I have watched over 12 hours of some sort of Pride and Prejudice. I know, random…. It all started when we were invited to dinner and my friend Clare (who is British) gave me this TV series called Lost in Austin. I watched all four episodes THAT night. This BBC program was based on the story Pride and Prejudice. Anyway, after watching that, I borrowed the long version of Pride and Prejudice and then the short version of it (the newer one). In the last 48 hours, I have watched 12 hours of this movie…and I am considering watching it again.
WHY??? Because I have lost my mind? Maybe =0)
I have never watched this movie before. I was never really a Jane Austin reader.
But…I now think I know why. I am attracted to it. I am obsessed with it. Yeah, we women are always obsessed with a good chick flick or romantic comedy…but this is different. I think that I am wanting to escape for a bit. I am wanting to watch someone else’s life for a moment…that is NOT real. You see, I feel like my life right now…is watching other people’s lives- other people’s lives who I have a strong connection with. I feel like I sit here at my computer…and watch all of you, whether it be through blog, phone conversations or e-mails. It is like our life back home is only a movie…it is a movie where you are living your lives there and we are living our lives here. We can’t show up in your life and you can’t show up in ours. So, I think that by watching this movie, I am escaping the movie of our life and yours. I am searching for a way to feel normal again….
But, as I am slowly realizing (I realized this after Caleb banned me from watching it again….just kidding), that I do not need to escape. Instead, I think I need to blog a bit more. I think that I have to go back to the experiences we had these past 6 months….and think through them a bit. I think that I need to (once World Cup Soccer is over) focus on everything that God has been doing in our lives….and not just everything we are missing.
On that note….I think I might go watch another movie! Just kidding!
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