Long Over-Due Post

Hi Friends….

 

Whenever it is really hard to find the words for a blog post, I seem to avoid writing it.  It is not like anything big has happened that needs to be explained.  It is just that I am feeling things and experiencing things that I have never experienced before….and may never experience again….

 

I am in a state of sheer excitement over the idea of seeing my family and friends again in the States.  But, at the same exact time, I am experiencing a sadness over the upcoming loss of so much that I hold so very dear.  Ok…the tears are forming….see why I avoid this???!!

 

I can look back in my life and remember times where I was one place, but I really wanted to be somewhere else.  That was sad.  But, this is not the same.  This is the feeling of longing to be in two places at exactly the same time.  I.love.my.life.here.  And, at the same time, I am ready to go back to the States and begin loving my life there. I want both.  But, I know that I cannot have both.

 

So, I have come up with a plan.  Those of you who have gone through this kind of transition before may think I am naïve.  But, here’s what I hope to do.

 

Currently, I am LOVING life here.  I am getting in as many conversations over coffee as I can.  I am investing in the grade 12 girls to the fullest.  I am taking a second every now and then to STOP and look around.  I take pictures in my mind of the beautiful landscape of this country.  I am trying to see the good in every situation (which can be hard living here).  And, I am making a point to try to not become overcome by my sadness about leaving. In other words, I am actively trying to live my life to the fullest in these remaining weeks in PNG.  Sure, there will be tears….especially when those amazing, change-your-life-forever-kind of missionary kids graduate in a few weeks.  I am crying just now thinking about how I will not have them sitting around my living room weekly…..(I need to go get a tissue….the tears just flow thinking about that…)  But, to the best of my ability with strength that only comes from God, I am trying to be happy and to love fully and to not dwell on how all of this is ending so quickly….

 

The next part of my plan involves heading back to the States.  It is my plan to make a point of enjoying my time back in the States.  For at least 6 months, I hope to hug my family members so tightly they will have to gasp for air.  I intend to throw my babies into the arms of their loving grandparents while I look on in happiness knowing that they are being reunited after so long.  I intend to reconnect with my friends and tell them how much their friendship really means to me.  I intend to overlook how things have changed and I plan to fight against the feelings of jealousy and envy that are bound to hit when I see that their lives have moved on.  For 6 months, I want to look forward to the holidays….family holidays….thanksgiving with REAL turkey.  Christmas with cookies that do not cost $40 to make.  I plan to shop (if I have any money) and buy clothes that are not from the nearest town and have been worn at least 100 times.  I plan to have clean feet and be excited about the little things….like sour cream….and milk that doesn’t come in a box. I hope to share what God is doing in PNG with anyone who will listen.  I hope to challenge others to up and live this life in our place.  It truly is a life worth living….

 

Then, continuing with the plan, I am going to consciously allow myself to grieve. After 6 full months,  I am going to surround myself with my close friends….and definitely my mom….and I am going to weep over the loss of this place…..this life.  I am going to just cry and let them pray for me, even if I cannot find the words to explain the over-whelming sense of sadness that is inevitable.  This place just gets in your blood.  There is no way around it.  I will miss so many things about this community. Ok…here come the tears again….

 

So, as you can see, this next year is going to be jam packed with transition….for me and for my family.  Hopefully Caleb will find a job and then the transition of that will be mixed in, too.  But, as I sit here….and finally stop avoiding this painful post….I cannot help but think about how truly rich my life has been and will be.  Never in my life have I been able to say that I truly, desperately even, wanted to be in two very different places at the same time.  I feel like this longing must add a richness to my life.  I am one blessed human being.  I have two places that I want to call home.  And, while I could choose to be really sad that these two words can never collide, I know that I am a blessed person because I have loved so many different people in so many different places….

 

So, all that to say that I am busy making memories.  I hope to post, but the reality is that there just isn’t enough time in a day to live this much, love this much, be a mom, be a wife, and blog…..but, I will try harder….