The Definition of Me....

If you are person that could be offended easily….stop reading… 

I have been thinking a lot today about how in times of stress, I fall back into this destructive line of thinking.  I begin to define myself by lies.  I look at my life and pick out the things I wish were different.  Or….more often….I look at other people’s lives and dwell on how I wish my life was like theirs. 

I am becoming more and more aware that life is a series of choices.  So much thought, energy and prayer go into some of these choices.  Other choices are made with no regard to the consequences.  Still, other choices are easy, obvious and clear.  But they are choices that we make…and that we have to live with. 

We chose to quit our jobs, leave our home country and travel to PNG.  We knew that this would come with its own set of challenges….and (dare I say) “regrets”.    

But, as I am here, in PNG…..comparing myself to others, I can’t help but get mad at MYSELF for this attitude. 

I have bought into these lies that “the only” way to be happy is 1) to have a HUGE family or 2) to have a ton of money or 3) to be super skinny all the time or 4) to do meaningful work (whether mission or not).  Other people have force-fed these ideas into me….culture has shoved its way into me…..etc, etc…. 

When did I start defining happiness on what I am or what I have…..when did I start regretting HUGE decisions that were confirmed by God? 

So….I guess all this to say that I am sick of comparing.  I am tired of this under the surface sin that makes me strive for things I don’t yet have.  

I can’t help but think of friends of mine who may have some regrets….or are stuck in the same destructive line of thinking that has swallowed me this morning.  I just feel like we are wasting our time striving for more.  I think of the friends who have made choices to move away from family and friends, friends who are engaged to someone who has to serve overseas, friends who’s ideal of marriage and love has been shattered, friends who struggle when it comes to pregnancy or becoming a parents.  Some of us, women, have desires to have a family which looks like this way or a family that has this many kids.  This time, I talk about myself.  Choosing to come here to PNG has seriously affected how many kids we might have in life…..but, who’s “ideal” am I pursuing? Who’s picture of “what a family SHOULD look like” am I “bihainim” (following).  It is almost like I am living life, pointing my finger to God, saying “I can’t be happy until this this or this happens in my life” instead of asking God to change the desires of my heart.  He KNOWS what they are….He created me for Pete’s sake.  

 All I know is that I had a wakeup call this morning.  I realized that I tend to get into this destructive line of thinking at times (of stress).  But, I am choosing today to focus on learning what defines me…..and weeding out those definitions that have just been passed down by well meaning friends or family, life or my past… 

Being here in PNG has given me freedom.  I have been able to try so many new things.  I am cooking, sewing, cutting hair, being all crafty….I am using the accounting that comes so easily, but pursuing how God would use me in the future.  In a way, I am trying to become completely “un-me” in order to find what I am really passionate about.  It is freeing….even though this post may sound depressing! =0)