The Problem with Honesty.....

Recently, I read this post entitled “In The Name of Honesty” by Sarah Markley.  I really like the points that are made here….but it also got me thinking about another (completely different) problem with honesty. I know that we all have particular struggles, failings, call-them-what-you-will’s.  So, not everyone will relate.  But, here goes….

 

Before we left for the mission field, we attended a month long training in NC.  One of the things that struck me the most was the way this training chose to prepare us for the field.  I felt like the idea behind the training was this:  “Now is the time to be open, honest and authentic.  What are those areas in your life that you have not dealt with?  Bring those things to the light now BEFORE you move overseas and live on the mission field….because if you don’t….when you are under cultural stress, those issues WILL resurface.  That is when they will come up and isn’t it better to work on those things BEFORE you leave your home country support system rather than later?”

 

I bought into this mentality.  Looking back at my life, the time between deciding to go to PNG and when we actually set foot on PNG soil, was one filled with personal and spiritual and marital growth for me.  I loved this time.  I loved the mentors and ministers and friends that God placed in my path.  I felt like deep seeded areas of sin in my life were being exposed to the light and truth of God’s word. I realized that I had lived most of my life by a set of unwritten rules, a set of lies, really…..I saw the freedom that I have in Christ, how I am NOT defined by these lies….and I grew.

 

So much so that I hoped to carry this “new way of living” with me to the mission field.  Why not, for once, try to live a life where I was open and honest about where I was at that moment?  Namely, why not choose to share openly about things that I NEVER liked to share about in the past.  I convinced myself that this would be a “safe trial run”.  After all, these are missionaries. 

 

A few things you may or may not know about me…..I habitually fall into this, “I can’t be seen as a failure” mindset.  Failing itself is not that bad, but everyone KNOWING that I failed is something different. (I think that at the root of this, I have an “everyone must think of me often” narcissism, this protection of my reputation at all costs, etc…but that is for another post.)  Where was I going with this?  Oh yes….When I was dating in middle school (way to young….my children will never date in middle school…) and then even into high school,  I was the girl that had to be told “I love you” before I would EVER even consider admitting to myself or someone else that I liked them.  I didn’t have crushes….I was too afraid of failure if it turned out, heaven-forbid, that that guy didn’t like me!  I was quicker to kiss a guy before saying that I thought he was cute.  (Issues, I know.) I was like this in college when it came to choosing a career and ultimately a job.  I hated the idea of telling people what jobs I had applied for….better to just wait and tell everyone once you actually had the job.  When it came to getting pregnant with Ben, I thought it best NOT to tell anyone that I was trying to get pregnant….except my husband, of course.  I think I even lied and told everyone that we would be trying around x month (which was a good 6 months later than when we actually started trying).  You get the point.  Why talk about things before you actually know what will come of it?  It is better to protect your image, your ego until you actually know that guy loves you, you actually know you have that job, or you actually know you are beyond the 1^st trimester.  Story of my life…..

 

So, in being honest from the get-go here in PNG, I decided to tell everyone that I was ready to have another baby.  Was I?  I mean, it was a nice idea, but clearly I am ready to submit to God’s plan over my own especially in something like this.  Caleb and I aren’t even sure we really want to have a baby while overseas.  The longer we are here, the more we are realizing it might be a blessing after all to wait until we return home. But, here is the problem with this type of honesty: By being honest with something like this, something I usually don’t share with the world, I started to see this “not being pregnant yet” as a real BIG struggle.  But here is my question, why?  Why share something like this when in return, you attribute an unhealthy weight to it.  In other words, by sharing it with the world, I really, really, really, really wanted to get pregnant every month mainly because everyone KNEW I wanted another baby.  Had I not opened my mouth, my not being pregnant every month would not have been as sad?  I am still young.  We never had the “baby every 2 years” kind of plan…..you get the point.

 

So, I guess that I have a problem with honesty when it turns what you are being honest about into a perceived struggle.  Does this make sense?

 

Now, I am finding that I am in a really healthy place.  I decided to focus my energy into this Purchasing position.  I am going to help coach the Girls’ Soccer team for the high school, I am running again, I am enjoying every little funny, new, and exciting part of Ben being 3, marriage rocks……my life seems to have purpose again…..when it seems it has been so long since.  I blame this kind of honesty for this pain and sadness the last couple of months…..